An update.

So, by now you’ve probably seen that I’m back in the blogging world and trying my hardest to really get back into my reality. I’m trying to share the things I would usually be scared to share in an attempt to really show how things can progress and move forward. I’m also going to try and share a weekly blog post about my general life – if anything interesting ever happens!

So, here’s my little update from the past few months, just in case any of you were wondering what I’ve been up to!

Well, the most exciting thing to happen is that I got married! We got married on the 13th May and it was genuinely the best day of my life. I didn’t stop smiling, I laughed all day and I had all my friends and family – well, almost – around me. It was heavenly. However, post wedding anxiety did kick in, but we can talk about that in another post another time.

We then went on our first holiday abroad, Cape Verde, for our honeymoon. It was perfect. We laid by the pool, drank cocktails from 10am with no guilt, ate our weight in food and had the best time being the two of us. Then we came home with a bit of a bump.

Our flight from Cape Verde was delayed by 6 hours, resulting in us getting home 5 hours later – somehow the plane flies faster if it really needs to. We were not impressed. Add in the fact that we both had to go back to work and see reality again was a MASSIVE bump.

Once we were home, we moved back in with my in-laws. We couldn’t afford to save for things like a bigger home and a baby whilst paying the rent that we were paying, so it seemed like the ideal solution. Paying little housekeeping to the parents and then we can have a little savings pot for when we decided to be grow ups again. So far so good, but we’ve only been there a few weeks so I’ll let you know how it goes.

Since then, it’s been pretty constant. Having to tell everyone my name and address has changed is honestly so stressful it’s ridiculous! I’m not quite sure where I even am at the moment.

Aside from the usual bits and pieces of life as a married woman, I’m also back in the gym. You can follow my progress over at @lowfatcrispybacon. It’s actually really hard to get back into the healthy eating. Particularly when all you want is ice cream to cool you down! But I’m getting there. I’m also slowly learning that no 2 people are the same when it comes to training. I could train every day and not look as good as someone who trains 3 times per week. It’s all about finding what works for you. I’ll do some more bits and pieces on my fitness and health and things another time.

Apologies for the long and rambling post. If you have any questions just let me know!

C.x

Relief

Relieved

I’d written half a post about how I hadn’t felt a sense of relief in a while due to my high anxiety levels. But, I’ve already written a post today about my anxiety so I feel as though you probably want to read something a little more upbeat.

So, I’ll tell you about the relief I felt when I saw my now husband at the end of the aisle just over 5 weeks ago.

I’d been told he was ready, he was on his way and he was fine. I’d been told this 100 times.

I’d had friends telling me we were perfect for each other and the wedding would be beautiful.

I’d had him tell me himself that he would be there.

I even saw him when I was driving into the register office!

But, there was still a small part of me that thought he wouldn’t be there. That he’d changed his mind at the last minute and ran. That he didn’t want to be my husband after all.

Then I saw him. I saw my best friend standing at the other end of the aisle waiting for me to walk down and take his hand and become his wife.

5 weeks later, I’m happier than every – obviously still in the happiness of newlywed bliss – and looking forward to feeling the relief I do every time I see him. He fixes the hard days, and tries his best to get rid of my anxieties.

To my best friend, and my best source of relief. I thank you.

C.x

Mind over matter.

Mind over matter. That’s what I tell myself when I feel physically weak at the end of a 5k in 20 degree heat. It’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling to walk in my heels after a fun night out. It’s what I tellmyself when I’m too tired to wake up and get out of bed for work on a Monday morning. But what do I say it’s my mind that’s the problem. What happens when I can’t get over the matter because my mind is blocking me. That’s how I feel at the moment. Blocked.

I was doing so well. I’d been discharged from my CBT for my minor OCD traits and my anxiety around the house and things was actually reducing. Then BAM out of nowhere, social anxiety decides to come straight back to me. Making me doubt myself, the relationships I have and the way in which I get on with my life.

It’s very difficult for people without these kinds of feelings to understand those of us with them. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about forming relationships with people, and about how if you reallywant to get to know someone you’ll make a real effort to find some common ground with them. While I totally agree, the thought of starting up a conversation with someone and asking them a lot of questions about their lives terrifies me. I can’t get past the thoughts of “I’m bugging them”, “they’re bored of talking to me now”, “oh no have I gotten the conversation onto me again”, “they’re going to think I’m so boring”, “they’re going to go and talk about what an idiot I am”. So, to stop myself feeling like that, I just don’t do it.

J is the one that helps me though. He can talk to anyone about anything. As a result, he usually helps me find a way to make some kind of friendship with someone. Yet, the only person outside of my marriage and family that I can say I’m 100% comfortable with is my best friend. However, just because I’m comfortable with these people, it doesn’t mean I don’t get the same thoughts. I’m often worrying that I’ve irritated J, or upset my best friend. This making relationships thing is really difficult, which is why I don’t do it.

I would rather sit by myself with a book, holding J’s hand than have to put myself through the ordeal of meeting new people and trying to make friends.

I guess that’s why I find online so easy. There’s no pressure to reply. No pressure to interact. I can just post and leave. Not quite so simple in real life.

C.x

Look hard enough.

There’s something beautiful everywhere.

I live in London, a concrete jungle. I’m not from London though, I’m from the countryside. I’m used to seeing greenery and animals all over the place, so London is a complete contract to that.

But today, we ventured out and stumbled across a beautiful place that’s just across the road! 

It made me think. We’re very easy to recognise the obvious beauty day to day, but what ancirsscrosscross But what about the beauty that takes a little longer to see? 

By looking past the concrete, I saw this today.

(Photo on my instagram; @imcrispybacon)

It made me take a step back and breathe. Something I’m not too good at at the moment.

I hope you find beauty daily. 

C.x

Welcome back. 

The title may be a little misleading. I often say I’m coming back to blogging, and then I disappear again. this time, I’m making a solid effort to blog daily. In fact, I think it may be the most helpful thing I can do for myself. 

The last few months have been difficult. Wedding planning, family drama, qualifying and starting a new job and passing my driving test have resulted in an increased amount of anxiety that’s been looming. 

I’ve always been more on the anxious side than my wonderful relaxed husband to be, but recently it’s been getting the better of me. Thankfully, his calmness is really helpful at times, he knows exactly how to make things better. 

What I have realised though, is that I need a network. Living in London means that I’m away from my family and most of my friends, and I’m really quite lonely. I had started to try and build friendships here but then I disappeared. So I’m setting myself a challenge. I’m going to blog everyday for the rest of the month and see if it helps me get back into it. 

To remind me, I’m setting an alarm on my phone for a time I know I shouldn’t be busy. 

Hope to reconnect with you all soon.

C.x

Blogging is a little like therapy.

Being able to share my story yesterday has really helped me. Instead of keeping everything cooped up, I was able to get it off my chest, even talk to someone going through a similar thing.

I’ll be trying to blog more often now, I really will. 

I have the time, I have the need. I’ll be back. Who knows, I might even tell you about my wedding!

C.x

Just because you donated DNA does not make you my Dad.

I’m not sure if I’ve shared this with you all before, but I need to get a lot off my chest and my other platforms don’t really seem appropriate. 

When I was 18, my “Dad” reached out to me via Facebook after he had not been in my life for around 17-18 years. There are a lot of reasons for this, my Mum kept him away, but for our safety. He didn’t try and get contact. He instead sent my Mum a letter saying he’d seen me walking around. Mum then got a solicitor to send him a letter asking him to stay away. This is a real simplified version of the story, just know my Mum did exactly the right thing.

Anyway, we started talking and sort of built a relationship. I told him I wanted him in my life but I didn’t need a dad anymore, I was an adult. He accepted it at the time.

Anyway, as time went on, it became me making the effort more and more, with him never making the first move. I confronted him, and he said he didn’t know how to show his emotions because he’d never been loved.. I brushed it all off and gave him another chance. After that, my Nan became ill. He offered no support, not one bit. So in the end I decided to cut contact and kick him out of my life again. He didn’t argue, he didn’t even respond. 

This was about two and a half years ago.

Since then, I’d seen him once. He took my to see my brother  (his son), and didn’t say a word to me the whole way there or back (45 minutes each way). I thought that was that.

So imagine my surprise, when I’m out with Joe’s family last night, and he turns up at the pub! He definitely saw me, 100%, but he didn’t even acknowledge me.

I was angry. Why was he there? He lived nowhere near there last I heard. 

In the end, I went to him. I said I was saying hello as he clearly wasn’t going to. Now I know I kicked him out of my life, so it’s not completely unreasonable that he wouldn’t say hello. But when I asked why, he told me he didn’t recognise me. I am meant to believe he didn’t recognise his own daughter. 

My face hasn’t changed. And I look like him so it was rubbish. He’d also walked past Joe a few times. Anyway, that made me angry. Really angry. I told him I didn’t know why I’d come over and he just said “ok”.

So I went back. I told him how amazing I was doing. That I was so close to a masters degree if I wanted it. That I was getting married next year. That I had the most wonderful family around me. His response? “Ok”. His ONLY daughter is getting married and his response was “ok”.

I was livid, shaking and I left. I couldn’t even believe what had happened.

He was so cold. So indifferent to me. I could have been anyone.

I know some of you reading this may think that I’m being a bit harsh, and when I tell the story it comes across like that. But if you’d seen the look on his face. Complete indifference. Coldness. It hurt.

It felt like I’d been stabbed 100 times. I don’t even know why. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want his approval and I certainly don’t want his praise.

I guess there was always a part of me that thought he respected my wishes to stay away but he did care. I was wrong.

It was the worst way to find out, but I now know that he doesn’t care about anyone other than himself.

I now know for a fact that I am better off without him.

They say you can’t choose your family. I disagree. I choose to not have him as part of mine.

C.x

(Please, understand that there is a lot of background to this. I might share it one day but it’s a bit difficult in one post)