One year on and it still hurts like it did at the time. Everyone said it would take time to grieve and come to terms with what happened. They all said I would be okay and that you’re proud of me. So why has time helped nothing? Why does it still feel like I can’t breathe every time I think of you? It hurts so much that I try not to think about you. Even today, one year on, I’m not thinking of you, I’m going flat hunting.
You’ve missed so much since you were taken. Mollie is going to big school soon, Carollan is having your great grandchild, I qualified and got back into uni. I wish you were here, I really do. I know that’s selfish, but I miss you so much.
I know you had to go. It wasn’t fair for you to stay. You were in so much pain. But why did you have to get so ill? Why did you have to stop treatment? Why did you have to be in so much pain? Why did it have to be you?
I know I’m still angry and upset about everything. In all honesty I’m struggling to find a way to deal with the fact that you’re not here anymore. Mum tells me all the time that she feels you around her, that she knows you’re there sometimes because you send her a sign. I’ve had two. Goosebumps when I listened to a Cliff Richard song, and one when I did the charity run for you and I saw a shooting star. But that isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to not have you here. To not have you a phone call away so that I can tell you about everything that’s happening.
It’s selfish, but I want you back. Even if it’s just one for one day. I want to tell you what’s going on in my life. I want to tell you how everyone is. I want you to see how well we’re all doing. I miss you.
I know you’re not here, and I know it’s the best thing. But it doesn’t stop it hurting any less. I just really hope you’re up there watching over us all. Especially today, Granddad and Mum really need you today. Take care of us all. I love you.