Feeling on edge is horrible. Feeling as if you’re failing is horrible. Having both all at the same time is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever come across. I know it will all eventually leave and go away, but at the moment I feel as though I’m sinking under an enormous amount of pressure that is being put on me by nobody but myself.
I have always had this need to succeed. While I believe this is a good trait to have because it’s pushed me further than I ever thought possible, it makes it incredibly hard to take criticism and have lapses of confidence. Although I haven’t failed, I feel as though I have.
My entire life I’ve been “the clever one”. The one who enjoyed school, who didn’t get into trouble, who got on with what she was supposed to get on with. To an extent, I’m still that person. I do what I need to do. Everything gets done by the time it needs to be done. I’m just petrified of failing and letting people down.
It’s silly things at the moment. My cookies didn’t taste as good as they usually do – I obviously just need to remaster the recipe. The flat isn’t as tidy as it should be – it’s the normal amount of tidy. The bed isn’t made properly – it really is, even the teddies have a home. I’ve failed because I forgot my sports bra so I can’t go to the gym – I’ve done almost 10000 steps today and I still have more to do; oh, and I’m going to go to the gym in the morning to make up for it. I’m overwhelmed at work – in reality I’m just tired because I’m stressed and it’s taking my sleep away. Joe’s working loads of evenings this week, I’m not going to see him – I live with him. Of course I’m going to see him. When I look at the things I’m worried about, it’s rubbish. It’s absolute rubbish and I tell myself to just shut up and calm down all the time.
But in reality it’s not that simple.
It’s not that simple to just turn off stupid worries that mean nothing. It’s not that simple to just switch off and relax for a bit. It’s not that simple to just feel like a normal human being!
I don’t suffer with stupid bouts of anxiety like this often, but when I do, it takes over my entire life. I need a stress buster. I need an anxiety kicker.
I know I follow some people who suffer with anxiety too. Is there anything any of you could suggest? It’d really help me out.