Do you ever wish life was a little more simple? Wish that for once you could be happy without someone dark ready to jump out from around the corner to really hit you where it hurts? I wish life was like that right now.
My Granddad came to see me a couple of weeks ago after he decided against having any treatment. He wanted to see everyone before the end. The doctors gave him 6-10 months after he declined treatment and that time is slowly ticking by. The worst of it is, each day he seems to be getting worse.
The Granddad I know and love is funny, independent and likes a drink. Now, he needs to depend on people, can’t walk up stairs by himself and isn’t even drinking. It’s heartbreaking.
The other night, I just broke down in tears to Joe and I was in so much pain. It hurt so much knowing that I’m going to lose him soon, especially so soon after losing Nanny. I wish I could just be there and help him. But I’m not and I can’t. I can’t even go and see him again. It’s not that I don’t have the time or money – which I don’t if I’m completely honest- but I can’t see my Granddad like that. When the time comes, I want to remember my Granddad the way he was before. I can’t see him ill and not himself, it’ll kill me.
It’s such a horrible thing for us all to have to go through again, it’s not fair. It’s not fair that everything can be fine one minute and then falling apart the next. I miss my Nanny more than anything. I’m not sure I’m ready to miss my Granddad too.