I’m not ready.

I’m just not ready to miss him too.

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Do you ever wish life was a little more simple? Wish that for once you could be happy without someone dark ready to jump out from around the corner to really hit you where it hurts? I wish life was like that right now.

My Granddad came to see me a couple of weeks ago after he decided against having any treatment. He wanted to see everyone before the end. The doctors gave him 6-10 months after he declined treatment and that time is slowly ticking by. The worst of it is, each day he seems to be getting worse.

The Granddad I know and love is funny, independent and likes a drink. Now, he needs to depend on people, can’t walk up stairs by himself and isn’t even drinking. It’s heartbreaking.

The other night, I just broke down in tears to Joe and I was in so much pain. It hurt so much knowing that I’m going to lose him soon, especially so soon after losing Nanny. I wish I could just be there and help him. But I’m not and I can’t. I can’t even go and see him again. It’s not that I don’t have the time or money – which I don’t if I’m completely honest- but I can’t see my Granddad like that. When the time comes, I want to remember my Granddad the way he was before. I can’t see him ill and not himself, it’ll kill me.

It’s such a horrible thing for us all to have to go through again, it’s not fair. It’s not fair that everything can be fine one minute and then falling apart the next. I miss my Nanny more than anything. I’m not sure I’m ready to miss my Granddad too.

C.x

Author: itsjustlittleoldme

C.x

8 thoughts on “I’m not ready.”

  1. I don’t know the words to say to comfort you. I understand why you can’t see him, I think i’d be the same if it was me. I care for nan and she’s changed so much from who I remember her to be. I hope your alright x

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    1. I don’t think there are any words right now. Joe has been great – cuddles on tap. He even sent me the most needed message earlier.
      I think you’re great for caring for your Nan, I couldn’t do that. Thank you.
      C.x

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  2. My grandad made the same decision about 2 years ago and it was hard seeing him go from happy and healthy and dancing to being completely dependent on other people. It’s hard to lose someone, I’m sorry that you have to go through that.

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      1. Because him and his family lived so far away, there wasn’t really much I could do. When we visited him, though, everyone was really positive. (I don’t even know if that answers the question, I’ve never thought about it before. Thanks for asking, though (: )

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        1. I get that. Yeah, everyone’s always positive whenever I speak to anyone – doesn’t make me feel any better though!
          No problem – people often forget to ask others how they coped with the difficult things in life.
          C.x

          Liked by 1 person

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