Happy New Year.

I don’t normally buy into the “new year new me” thing, because it’s wrong. You don’t just change overnight, it takes time. Instead, I’m going to focus on what I’ve learned in 2015 to carry forward.

Don’t take those you love for granted. When I lost my Nanny I didn’t know what to do, so when I lost my Granddad in September I was heartbroken. I took them for granted my entire life and there’s nothing I regret more. In 2016, I’m going to make sure I make more time for those I love, visit home more and make sure those I love know I love them. Now I’ve got the most beautiful little niece to dote on, and a nephew coming in March and I can’t wait to be the best auntie I can be.

Life gets hard, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Passing my degree was hard, dealing with grief was hard, moving out and going it by ourselves was hard, going back to uni was hard. But it didn’t matter how hard it got, every second was worth it.

Money isn’t everything. Since we moved out, everyone has been asking us if we’re okay for money. I mean, I appreciate everyone asking, checking we’re not struggling, I just wish they’d ask if we were doing well ourselves. Getting on with living on our own.

I know it doesn’t sound like much, but my main lessons learned is that love can conquer everything. It doesn’t matter how low you feel or how hard things get, if you’re surrounded by the people you love then they can get you through it. It’s time for me to be there for everyone I love.

2015 has been a great year for me aside from losing my Granddad, but I’m taking important lessons through into the new year.

Wherever you are tonight, whatever you’re doing, I ask two things of you. 1. Make sure those who you love know you love them. And 2. Stay safe.

See you all in the new year!

C.x

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Homesick.

I’ve never been more homesick in my entire life.

I moved to London nearly four years ago. 100 miles away from where I grew up in Bournemouth. Of course I’ve had the odd day where I’ve been fed up and all I’ve wanted is a cuddle from my Mum, but today is different. I don’t know why, it just is.

No, I do know why. Tomorrow, my sister is being induced to become a Mummy. Her little baby girl will be here before we know it and here I am, miles away, not even able to support her when she needs me the most. It just feels as though it’s another massive thing to happen to my family since I’ve been away. Come March/April, I’ll have missed another massive thing – my brother becoming a Daddy.

 

 

I just want to be closer to my family. Joe is amazing, and so is his family, but I miss mine. I miss cuddling my Mum when I’m upset. I miss bickering with my siblings. I miss hearing my littlest sisters laughing when I tickle them, or the look on their faces when they see something magical.

I know this is all part of growing up. I just wish it wouldn’t suck so much right now.

C.x

Flawed.

In response to today’s prompt; this can be found here.

My biggest fault you ask? I have a few, that all seem to roll into one. I obsess, I panic and I worry continuously. I do all this to the point where I push those closest to me away. The past year has taught me that I need to work on myself and try and stop this. I need to let people do their own things without feeling the need to control everything.

In the last few months, I’ve tried to take a step back from everything and try to enjoy everything a little more. I mean, I’m still trying to make sure we have enough time together, but I’m also doing things on my own. I’m going to the gym a few times a week, I’m having fun with my uni friends and I’m visiting home more often. And to be honest, it’s great. I’m so much happier, and Joe seems to be happier too.

I really hate this flaw. So much so I’m actively trying to change it and become less panicky, less obsessive and to become less of a worrier. I’m looking forward to the day where I can just take things as it comes instead of trying to plan every detail of every day.

Too close to home.

I’m sat here, trying to do revision and writing while catching up on my soaps (I know it’s a bad combo but it’s the way I work). Anyway, Diane (Emmerdale) has just been told she has bowel cancer. The same cancer that took my Granddad away.

Until now, I’ve been dealing with losing him pretty well – well, I haven’t really dealt with it. But that was hard to watch.

It’s really difficult going through everyday life, planning the most important days of my life, only to know that two of the people who meant the most to me won’t be there. They just won’t be. Not in person anyway. Not there so I can dance with them, see them smile and make them proud time and time again. Everyone says they’ll be there in spirit – that will bring me comfort at the time I’m sure – but right now that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Right now I want to hear my Nanny and Granddad laughing together. I want to hear their voices on the phone when they open their wedding invitation. I want to see the look on their eyes when I walk down the aisle to marry the man that I love. I just want them here.

C.x