An update.

So, by now you’ve probably seen that I’m back in the blogging world and trying my hardest to really get back into my reality. I’m trying to share the things I would usually be scared to share in an attempt to really show how things can progress and move forward. I’m also going to try and share a weekly blog post about my general life – if anything interesting ever happens!

So, here’s my little update from the past few months, just in case any of you were wondering what I’ve been up to!

Well, the most exciting thing to happen is that I got married! We got married on the 13th May and it was genuinely the best day of my life. I didn’t stop smiling, I laughed all day and I had all my friends and family – well, almost – around me. It was heavenly. However, post wedding anxiety did kick in, but we can talk about that in another post another time.

We then went on our first holiday abroad, Cape Verde, for our honeymoon. It was perfect. We laid by the pool, drank cocktails from 10am with no guilt, ate our weight in food and had the best time being the two of us. Then we came home with a bit of a bump.

Our flight from Cape Verde was delayed by 6 hours, resulting in us getting home 5 hours later – somehow the plane flies faster if it really needs to. We were not impressed. Add in the fact that we both had to go back to work and see reality again was a MASSIVE bump.

Once we were home, we moved back in with my in-laws. We couldn’t afford to save for things like a bigger home and a baby whilst paying the rent that we were paying, so it seemed like the ideal solution. Paying little housekeeping to the parents and then we can have a little savings pot for when we decided to be grow ups again. So far so good, but we’ve only been there a few weeks so I’ll let you know how it goes.

Since then, it’s been pretty constant. Having to tell everyone my name and address has changed is honestly so stressful it’s ridiculous! I’m not quite sure where I even am at the moment.

Aside from the usual bits and pieces of life as a married woman, I’m also back in the gym. You can follow my progress over at @lowfatcrispybacon. It’s actually really hard to get back into the healthy eating. Particularly when all you want is ice cream to cool you down! But I’m getting there. I’m also slowly learning that no 2 people are the same when it comes to training. I could train every day and not look as good as someone who trains 3 times per week. It’s all about finding what works for you. I’ll do some more bits and pieces on my fitness and health and things another time.

Apologies for the long and rambling post. If you have any questions just let me know!

C.x

Relief

Relieved

I’d written half a post about how I hadn’t felt a sense of relief in a while due to my high anxiety levels. But, I’ve already written a post today about my anxiety so I feel as though you probably want to read something a little more upbeat.

So, I’ll tell you about the relief I felt when I saw my now husband at the end of the aisle just over 5 weeks ago.

I’d been told he was ready, he was on his way and he was fine. I’d been told this 100 times.

I’d had friends telling me we were perfect for each other and the wedding would be beautiful.

I’d had him tell me himself that he would be there.

I even saw him when I was driving into the register office!

But, there was still a small part of me that thought he wouldn’t be there. That he’d changed his mind at the last minute and ran. That he didn’t want to be my husband after all.

Then I saw him. I saw my best friend standing at the other end of the aisle waiting for me to walk down and take his hand and become his wife.

5 weeks later, I’m happier than every – obviously still in the happiness of newlywed bliss – and looking forward to feeling the relief I do every time I see him. He fixes the hard days, and tries his best to get rid of my anxieties.

To my best friend, and my best source of relief. I thank you.

C.x

Mind over matter.

Mind over matter. That’s what I tell myself when I feel physically weak at the end of a 5k in 20 degree heat. It’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling to walk in my heels after a fun night out. It’s what I tellmyself when I’m too tired to wake up and get out of bed for work on a Monday morning. But what do I say it’s my mind that’s the problem. What happens when I can’t get over the matter because my mind is blocking me. That’s how I feel at the moment. Blocked.

I was doing so well. I’d been discharged from my CBT for my minor OCD traits and my anxiety around the house and things was actually reducing. Then BAM out of nowhere, social anxiety decides to come straight back to me. Making me doubt myself, the relationships I have and the way in which I get on with my life.

It’s very difficult for people without these kinds of feelings to understand those of us with them. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about forming relationships with people, and about how if you reallywant to get to know someone you’ll make a real effort to find some common ground with them. While I totally agree, the thought of starting up a conversation with someone and asking them a lot of questions about their lives terrifies me. I can’t get past the thoughts of “I’m bugging them”, “they’re bored of talking to me now”, “oh no have I gotten the conversation onto me again”, “they’re going to think I’m so boring”, “they’re going to go and talk about what an idiot I am”. So, to stop myself feeling like that, I just don’t do it.

J is the one that helps me though. He can talk to anyone about anything. As a result, he usually helps me find a way to make some kind of friendship with someone. Yet, the only person outside of my marriage and family that I can say I’m 100% comfortable with is my best friend. However, just because I’m comfortable with these people, it doesn’t mean I don’t get the same thoughts. I’m often worrying that I’ve irritated J, or upset my best friend. This making relationships thing is really difficult, which is why I don’t do it.

I would rather sit by myself with a book, holding J’s hand than have to put myself through the ordeal of meeting new people and trying to make friends.

I guess that’s why I find online so easy. There’s no pressure to reply. No pressure to interact. I can just post and leave. Not quite so simple in real life.

C.x