Look hard enough.

There’s something beautiful everywhere.

I live in London, a concrete jungle. I’m not from London though, I’m from the countryside. I’m used to seeing greenery and animals all over the place, so London is a complete contract to that.

But today, we ventured out and stumbled across a beautiful place that’s just across the road! 

It made me think. We’re very easy to recognise the obvious beauty day to day, but what ancirsscrosscross But what about the beauty that takes a little longer to see? 

By looking past the concrete, I saw this today.

(Photo on my instagram; @imcrispybacon)

It made me take a step back and breathe. Something I’m not too good at at the moment.

I hope you find beauty daily. 

C.x

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Welcome back. 

The title may be a little misleading. I often say I’m coming back to blogging, and then I disappear again. this time, I’m making a solid effort to blog daily. In fact, I think it may be the most helpful thing I can do for myself. 

The last few months have been difficult. Wedding planning, family drama, qualifying and starting a new job and passing my driving test have resulted in an increased amount of anxiety that’s been looming. 

I’ve always been more on the anxious side than my wonderful relaxed husband to be, but recently it’s been getting the better of me. Thankfully, his calmness is really helpful at times, he knows exactly how to make things better. 

What I have realised though, is that I need a network. Living in London means that I’m away from my family and most of my friends, and I’m really quite lonely. I had started to try and build friendships here but then I disappeared. So I’m setting myself a challenge. I’m going to blog everyday for the rest of the month and see if it helps me get back into it. 

To remind me, I’m setting an alarm on my phone for a time I know I shouldn’t be busy. 

Hope to reconnect with you all soon.

C.x

Blogging is a little like therapy.

Being able to share my story yesterday has really helped me. Instead of keeping everything cooped up, I was able to get it off my chest, even talk to someone going through a similar thing.

I’ll be trying to blog more often now, I really will. 

I have the time, I have the need. I’ll be back. Who knows, I might even tell you about my wedding!

C.x

Just because you donated DNA does not make you my Dad.

I’m not sure if I’ve shared this with you all before, but I need to get a lot off my chest and my other platforms don’t really seem appropriate. 

When I was 18, my “Dad” reached out to me via Facebook after he had not been in my life for around 17-18 years. There are a lot of reasons for this, my Mum kept him away, but for our safety. He didn’t try and get contact. He instead sent my Mum a letter saying he’d seen me walking around. Mum then got a solicitor to send him a letter asking him to stay away. This is a real simplified version of the story, just know my Mum did exactly the right thing.

Anyway, we started talking and sort of built a relationship. I told him I wanted him in my life but I didn’t need a dad anymore, I was an adult. He accepted it at the time.

Anyway, as time went on, it became me making the effort more and more, with him never making the first move. I confronted him, and he said he didn’t know how to show his emotions because he’d never been loved.. I brushed it all off and gave him another chance. After that, my Nan became ill. He offered no support, not one bit. So in the end I decided to cut contact and kick him out of my life again. He didn’t argue, he didn’t even respond. 

This was about two and a half years ago.

Since then, I’d seen him once. He took my to see my brother  (his son), and didn’t say a word to me the whole way there or back (45 minutes each way). I thought that was that.

So imagine my surprise, when I’m out with Joe’s family last night, and he turns up at the pub! He definitely saw me, 100%, but he didn’t even acknowledge me.

I was angry. Why was he there? He lived nowhere near there last I heard. 

In the end, I went to him. I said I was saying hello as he clearly wasn’t going to. Now I know I kicked him out of my life, so it’s not completely unreasonable that he wouldn’t say hello. But when I asked why, he told me he didn’t recognise me. I am meant to believe he didn’t recognise his own daughter. 

My face hasn’t changed. And I look like him so it was rubbish. He’d also walked past Joe a few times. Anyway, that made me angry. Really angry. I told him I didn’t know why I’d come over and he just said “ok”.

So I went back. I told him how amazing I was doing. That I was so close to a masters degree if I wanted it. That I was getting married next year. That I had the most wonderful family around me. His response? “Ok”. His ONLY daughter is getting married and his response was “ok”.

I was livid, shaking and I left. I couldn’t even believe what had happened.

He was so cold. So indifferent to me. I could have been anyone.

I know some of you reading this may think that I’m being a bit harsh, and when I tell the story it comes across like that. But if you’d seen the look on his face. Complete indifference. Coldness. It hurt.

It felt like I’d been stabbed 100 times. I don’t even know why. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want his approval and I certainly don’t want his praise.

I guess there was always a part of me that thought he respected my wishes to stay away but he did care. I was wrong.

It was the worst way to find out, but I now know that he doesn’t care about anyone other than himself.

I now know for a fact that I am better off without him.

They say you can’t choose your family. I disagree. I choose to not have him as part of mine.

C.x

(Please, understand that there is a lot of background to this. I might share it one day but it’s a bit difficult in one post)

We voted to leave.

The UK decided to leave the EU today. A decision that could have very easily gone the other way and a decision that is being argued by almost half of the public it seems. It’s led to the resignation of our Prime Minister, the gloating of a member of another party, and a very happy Boris. The thing is though, none of us really know what this means.
Yes, the pound did plummet. Did we really expect it not to? It’s uncertain, and I’m sure it’ll bounce back. Yes, it was very close. And yes, it appears the older generation took control of the vote and this was the reason for the Leave campaign taking victory.
But, what has shocked me the most today, is not that we decided to leave the EU, it’s the awful way people I know are treating others today. Those that voted out are now being branded as the following: bigots, intolerant, narrow minded, racists, stupid, at fault for everything that could possibly go wrong with leaving the EU. This is disgusting. We are all people; we were all friends yesterday, but now the Remain camp seems to think it’s perfectly acceptable to call the Leave camp all these names, without actually speaking to anyone. I’ve seen a few of my friends having to completely defend themselves for having come to their own conclusion for the future of Britain. 
Not everyone voted due to immigration. Not everyone voted due to money. Some voted due to wanting power back. Some voted due to wanting to be fairer to the wider world. Some voted because they were scared of the other way – this is the problem.
Had both campaigns carried out truthful, informative work, we probably wouldn’t be sat here hating each other. Instead, both campaigns used fear. The Leave campaign said we’d be flooded by immigrants and we’d have no reason to cry over a terrorist attack if we remained. The Remain campaign said that if we left the EU we’d have no back up, no friends and our economy would crumble. How are people meant to make informed decisions having this shoved down their throats.
The Leave campaign had awful faces – Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and even Donald Trump has supported Brexit – which is most likely the cause of every person voting out being branded racist. It’s time people realised that we are free people, capable of making decisions. We called for a vote. We called for our right to democracy and we got it. We used our votes and we voted to Leave.
Now is the time to pull together to make sure we get through this change in one piece, not begin tearing each other to pieces on day one. We don’t know the future. Who knows, this could be the best thing to ever happy to the UK.
C.x

Disclaimer – I know this isn’t the best written piece you’ll read, especially on the EU. I don’t have a knack for this kind of thing, but this is a platform I feel I won’t be attacked for airing this. This is a platform I feel I could have some kind of actual conversation and decent debate with someone.

Hello!

I’m back. Well, I’m trying to be back.

When I first started this blog, I was really good at updating you all with my life on a day to day basis, but now? Yeah I went off a little bit. But here I am, trying again!

Since we last spoke properly, a lot has happened.

I know you all know I lost my Granddad in September, that was a pretty hard hit, especially when it was only around 15 months since we lost Nanny. It sucked, but with the help of Joe and my family and friends, I’m managing to get through it. I started Uni again, which again I’m pretty sure you all know, but hey! My blog, I can repeat myself if I want to. My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and my brother and his girlfriend had a beautiful baby boy – proud auntie right here! Oh, and we booked our wedding!

Yes, we booked our wedding! On the 13th May 2017 I finally get to marry my best friend. The one I laugh and cry with. The one I’m grumpy with half the time. The one who just makes everything better. I cannot wait! The only hard thing is, the wedding isn’t where we live, it’s actually a couple of hours away! Not that I care, it’s beautiful, half way between the two families and I, no we, love it.

So now, I’m in the process of trying to finish a postgraduate diploma, plan a wedding, make sure we don’t lose our flat (tenancy coming to an end), be an awesome auntie and be a person all at the same time!

I’ve joined a couple of wedding planning groups on facebook, and I’m in touch with the lady who helps us plan things at the reception so it’s not all bad, I have a lot of help! It’s just nervewracking! Next on our list is sorting a photographer and giving notice to become man and wife.

Now for the big decision – do I keep my name, or change it?

C.x

Come say hi!

I’m all over the social world, so why not come and check it out.

Instagram; @imcrispybacon
Twitter; @imcrispybacon
Photography Instagram; @cbaconphotography

Come check me out 🙂 I promise I’ll be back soon boring you with the stories from my life.

C.x