Relief

Relieved

I’d written half a post about how I hadn’t felt a sense of relief in a while due to my high anxiety levels. But, I’ve already written a post today about my anxiety so I feel as though you probably want to read something a little more upbeat.

So, I’ll tell you about the relief I felt when I saw my now husband at the end of the aisle just over 5 weeks ago.

I’d been told he was ready, he was on his way and he was fine. I’d been told this 100 times.

I’d had friends telling me we were perfect for each other and the wedding would be beautiful.

I’d had him tell me himself that he would be there.

I even saw him when I was driving into the register office!

But, there was still a small part of me that thought he wouldn’t be there. That he’d changed his mind at the last minute and ran. That he didn’t want to be my husband after all.

Then I saw him. I saw my best friend standing at the other end of the aisle waiting for me to walk down and take his hand and become his wife.

5 weeks later, I’m happier than every – obviously still in the happiness of newlywed bliss – and looking forward to feeling the relief I do every time I see him. He fixes the hard days, and tries his best to get rid of my anxieties.

To my best friend, and my best source of relief. I thank you.

C.x

Mind over matter.

Mind over matter. That’s what I tell myself when I feel physically weak at the end of a 5k in 20 degree heat. It’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling to walk in my heels after a fun night out. It’s what I tellmyself when I’m too tired to wake up and get out of bed for work on a Monday morning. But what do I say it’s my mind that’s the problem. What happens when I can’t get over the matter because my mind is blocking me. That’s how I feel at the moment. Blocked.

I was doing so well. I’d been discharged from my CBT for my minor OCD traits and my anxiety around the house and things was actually reducing. Then BAM out of nowhere, social anxiety decides to come straight back to me. Making me doubt myself, the relationships I have and the way in which I get on with my life.

It’s very difficult for people without these kinds of feelings to understand those of us with them. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about forming relationships with people, and about how if you reallywant to get to know someone you’ll make a real effort to find some common ground with them. While I totally agree, the thought of starting up a conversation with someone and asking them a lot of questions about their lives terrifies me. I can’t get past the thoughts of “I’m bugging them”, “they’re bored of talking to me now”, “oh no have I gotten the conversation onto me again”, “they’re going to think I’m so boring”, “they’re going to go and talk about what an idiot I am”. So, to stop myself feeling like that, I just don’t do it.

J is the one that helps me though. He can talk to anyone about anything. As a result, he usually helps me find a way to make some kind of friendship with someone. Yet, the only person outside of my marriage and family that I can say I’m 100% comfortable with is my best friend. However, just because I’m comfortable with these people, it doesn’t mean I don’t get the same thoughts. I’m often worrying that I’ve irritated J, or upset my best friend. This making relationships thing is really difficult, which is why I don’t do it.

I would rather sit by myself with a book, holding J’s hand than have to put myself through the ordeal of meeting new people and trying to make friends.

I guess that’s why I find online so easy. There’s no pressure to reply. No pressure to interact. I can just post and leave. Not quite so simple in real life.

C.x

Look hard enough.

There’s something beautiful everywhere.

I live in London, a concrete jungle. I’m not from London though, I’m from the countryside. I’m used to seeing greenery and animals all over the place, so London is a complete contract to that.

But today, we ventured out and stumbled across a beautiful place that’s just across the road! 

It made me think. We’re very easy to recognise the obvious beauty day to day, but what ancirsscrosscross But what about the beauty that takes a little longer to see? 

By looking past the concrete, I saw this today.

(Photo on my instagram; @imcrispybacon)

It made me take a step back and breathe. Something I’m not too good at at the moment.

I hope you find beauty daily. 

C.x

Welcome back. 

The title may be a little misleading. I often say I’m coming back to blogging, and then I disappear again. this time, I’m making a solid effort to blog daily. In fact, I think it may be the most helpful thing I can do for myself. 

The last few months have been difficult. Wedding planning, family drama, qualifying and starting a new job and passing my driving test have resulted in an increased amount of anxiety that’s been looming. 

I’ve always been more on the anxious side than my wonderful relaxed husband to be, but recently it’s been getting the better of me. Thankfully, his calmness is really helpful at times, he knows exactly how to make things better. 

What I have realised though, is that I need a network. Living in London means that I’m away from my family and most of my friends, and I’m really quite lonely. I had started to try and build friendships here but then I disappeared. So I’m setting myself a challenge. I’m going to blog everyday for the rest of the month and see if it helps me get back into it. 

To remind me, I’m setting an alarm on my phone for a time I know I shouldn’t be busy. 

Hope to reconnect with you all soon.

C.x

Flawed.

In response to today’s prompt; this can be found here.

My biggest fault you ask? I have a few, that all seem to roll into one. I obsess, I panic and I worry continuously. I do all this to the point where I push those closest to me away. The past year has taught me that I need to work on myself and try and stop this. I need to let people do their own things without feeling the need to control everything.

In the last few months, I’ve tried to take a step back from everything and try to enjoy everything a little more. I mean, I’m still trying to make sure we have enough time together, but I’m also doing things on my own. I’m going to the gym a few times a week, I’m having fun with my uni friends and I’m visiting home more often. And to be honest, it’s great. I’m so much happier, and Joe seems to be happier too.

I really hate this flaw. So much so I’m actively trying to change it and become less panicky, less obsessive and to become less of a worrier. I’m looking forward to the day where I can just take things as it comes instead of trying to plan every detail of every day.

A Real Smile.

An escape from reality is sometimes all we need.

I’ve never really liked being alone but I used to be okay with it. I guess I’d just gotten used to it. The last few months though, I’ve hated being alone. It makes me feel tense, lonely and anxious and today I’d had enough. I wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to feel okay again. I wanted to feel happy even when I’m by myself. So I asked Joe to buy me a colouring book.  Continue reading “A Real Smile.”

Colouring in.

Colouring the stress away.

image

Today has been one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. Not only have I got a headache that will not go away, I’ve also had a day of feeling very on edge and nervous. It’s really not a nice feeling.

When I have days like this I end up over thinking every single thing that’s been said over the past few days/weeks and it just consumes me. Luckily though, I was at work so I had a lot to focus on.

Instead of trying to fight the anxiety, I try and work through it now. So I got an adult colouring book. They’re apparently meant to let you de-stress. So let’s give it a try shall we?

C.x