Just because you donated DNA does not make you my Dad.

I’m not sure if I’ve shared this with you all before, but I need to get a lot off my chest and my other platforms don’t really seem appropriate. 

When I was 18, my “Dad” reached out to me via Facebook after he had not been in my life for around 17-18 years. There are a lot of reasons for this, my Mum kept him away, but for our safety. He didn’t try and get contact. He instead sent my Mum a letter saying he’d seen me walking around. Mum then got a solicitor to send him a letter asking him to stay away. This is a real simplified version of the story, just know my Mum did exactly the right thing.

Anyway, we started talking and sort of built a relationship. I told him I wanted him in my life but I didn’t need a dad anymore, I was an adult. He accepted it at the time.

Anyway, as time went on, it became me making the effort more and more, with him never making the first move. I confronted him, and he said he didn’t know how to show his emotions because he’d never been loved.. I brushed it all off and gave him another chance. After that, my Nan became ill. He offered no support, not one bit. So in the end I decided to cut contact and kick him out of my life again. He didn’t argue, he didn’t even respond. 

This was about two and a half years ago.

Since then, I’d seen him once. He took my to see my brother  (his son), and didn’t say a word to me the whole way there or back (45 minutes each way). I thought that was that.

So imagine my surprise, when I’m out with Joe’s family last night, and he turns up at the pub! He definitely saw me, 100%, but he didn’t even acknowledge me.

I was angry. Why was he there? He lived nowhere near there last I heard. 

In the end, I went to him. I said I was saying hello as he clearly wasn’t going to. Now I know I kicked him out of my life, so it’s not completely unreasonable that he wouldn’t say hello. But when I asked why, he told me he didn’t recognise me. I am meant to believe he didn’t recognise his own daughter. 

My face hasn’t changed. And I look like him so it was rubbish. He’d also walked past Joe a few times. Anyway, that made me angry. Really angry. I told him I didn’t know why I’d come over and he just said “ok”.

So I went back. I told him how amazing I was doing. That I was so close to a masters degree if I wanted it. That I was getting married next year. That I had the most wonderful family around me. His response? “Ok”. His ONLY daughter is getting married and his response was “ok”.

I was livid, shaking and I left. I couldn’t even believe what had happened.

He was so cold. So indifferent to me. I could have been anyone.

I know some of you reading this may think that I’m being a bit harsh, and when I tell the story it comes across like that. But if you’d seen the look on his face. Complete indifference. Coldness. It hurt.

It felt like I’d been stabbed 100 times. I don’t even know why. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want his approval and I certainly don’t want his praise.

I guess there was always a part of me that thought he respected my wishes to stay away but he did care. I was wrong.

It was the worst way to find out, but I now know that he doesn’t care about anyone other than himself.

I now know for a fact that I am better off without him.

They say you can’t choose your family. I disagree. I choose to not have him as part of mine.

C.x

(Please, understand that there is a lot of background to this. I might share it one day but it’s a bit difficult in one post)

A Letter.

Dear Nanny and Granddad,

I’m having a reallly hard time without you at the moment, everything is going so well and I wish with everything I have that you were here to witness it.

I passed my first exam the other day – I did really well and all I wanted to do as tell you about it all. I want to tell you about how I’m getting married next year and I can’t wait for you to see me walking down the aisle. To see me finally marry the love of my life. Continue reading “A Letter.”

Wedding Planning

Wedding planning is genuinely the most stressful thing I’ve ever embarked upon in my life. Amidst this uni course, house hunting for our move to somewhere completely new, and trying to work out how much money we need, the wedding is driving me absolutely mad!

It’s not just the big bits that are driving me mad, finding a venue, dress, photographer, etc., it’s the supposedly smaller things. – the guest list. It’s driving me absolutely bonkers. We’re trying to work out who we really want there, while also trying to make sure the important people are invited and trying not to upset anyone.

It’s genuinely the hardest thing I have to do, and to be honest, I just want the wedding here so that I can be married to the love of my life. Why does it have to be so frustrating!

C.x

Am I forgetting you?

Am I forgetting you? I must be. I don’t think of you every day. It doesn’t hurt every day. I don’t look to the sky every night like I used to and I don’t look at my tattoo and cry.

I forgot your birthday on Tuesday. It’s only your second birthday without you here and I forgot. Yes, everyone says it’s fine because of everything else going on, but how can it be fine to forget your birthday. How can it be fine to forget you.

It’s not just you, Nanny. It’s Granddad too. We only lost him a few months ago and I don’t think of him every day. The only time I get upset is when I see other people upset. When I see my Mum upset.

I don’t want to forget you. I don’t even want to miss you, but missing you it better than forgetting you.

I love you both, with all my heart.

C.x

Homesick.

I’ve never been more homesick in my entire life.

I moved to London nearly four years ago. 100 miles away from where I grew up in Bournemouth. Of course I’ve had the odd day where I’ve been fed up and all I’ve wanted is a cuddle from my Mum, but today is different. I don’t know why, it just is.

No, I do know why. Tomorrow, my sister is being induced to become a Mummy. Her little baby girl will be here before we know it and here I am, miles away, not even able to support her when she needs me the most. It just feels as though it’s another massive thing to happen to my family since I’ve been away. Come March/April, I’ll have missed another massive thing – my brother becoming a Daddy.

 

 

I just want to be closer to my family. Joe is amazing, and so is his family, but I miss mine. I miss cuddling my Mum when I’m upset. I miss bickering with my siblings. I miss hearing my littlest sisters laughing when I tickle them, or the look on their faces when they see something magical.

I know this is all part of growing up. I just wish it wouldn’t suck so much right now.

C.x

Too close to home.

I’m sat here, trying to do revision and writing while catching up on my soaps (I know it’s a bad combo but it’s the way I work). Anyway, Diane (Emmerdale) has just been told she has bowel cancer. The same cancer that took my Granddad away.

Until now, I’ve been dealing with losing him pretty well – well, I haven’t really dealt with it. But that was hard to watch.

It’s really difficult going through everyday life, planning the most important days of my life, only to know that two of the people who meant the most to me won’t be there. They just won’t be. Not in person anyway. Not there so I can dance with them, see them smile and make them proud time and time again. Everyone says they’ll be there in spirit – that will bring me comfort at the time I’m sure – but right now that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Right now I want to hear my Nanny and Granddad laughing together. I want to hear their voices on the phone when they open their wedding invitation. I want to see the look on their eyes when I walk down the aisle to marry the man that I love. I just want them here.

C.x

A Broken Heart.

Some of you may know that on Saturday afternoon I lost my Granddad after a short battle with bowel and liver cancer. The only upside is that he’s back with my Nanny where I knew he wanted to be from the moment she left us last year.

Everyone keeps saying that they’re sorry and asking if there’s anything they can do. But the truth is, apologies mean nothing, and realistically there isn’t anything anyone can do to make this pain go away. Nothing. Because they’re gone and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. I just need to find a way to accept it and try and move on… is that even possible?

I’m convinced the reason my Granddad got cancer was because all he wanted was to be back with my Nan. I can understand that – they were soulmates, best friends, made for each other. I just wish it didn’t have to be such a horrible thing that tore him away so quickly. I only saw him a few weeks ago and now he’s gone.

I’m in a horrible state at the moment. Going from forgetting, feeling nothing, crying, feeling nothing, feeling like a zombie to forgetting again. It’s horrible. I just want to cry and get this horrible grief out of the way. It’s too much to deal with and I have no idea what I’m doing. I wouldn’t let myself grieve for Nanny for that exact reason. I didn’t know how to!

Now I have no choice. I need to find a way to deal with this, accept it and make sure I live my life to the full.

C.x