Mind over matter. That’s what I tell myself when I feel physically weak at the end of a 5k in 20 degree heat. It’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling to walk in my heels after a fun night out. It’s what I tellmyself when I’m too tired to wake up and get out of bed for work on a Monday morning. But what do I say it’s my mind that’s the problem. What happens when I can’t get over the matter because my mind is blocking me. That’s how I feel at the moment. Blocked.
I was doing so well. I’d been discharged from my CBT for my minor OCD traits and my anxiety around the house and things was actually reducing. Then BAM out of nowhere, social anxiety decides to come straight back to me. Making me doubt myself, the relationships I have and the way in which I get on with my life.
It’s very difficult for people without these kinds of feelings to understand those of us with them. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about forming relationships with people, and about how if you reallywant to get to know someone you’ll make a real effort to find some common ground with them. While I totally agree, the thought of starting up a conversation with someone and asking them a lot of questions about their lives terrifies me. I can’t get past the thoughts of “I’m bugging them”, “they’re bored of talking to me now”, “oh no have I gotten the conversation onto me again”, “they’re going to think I’m so boring”, “they’re going to go and talk about what an idiot I am”. So, to stop myself feeling like that, I just don’t do it.
J is the one that helps me though. He can talk to anyone about anything. As a result, he usually helps me find a way to make some kind of friendship with someone. Yet, the only person outside of my marriage and family that I can say I’m 100% comfortable with is my best friend. However, just because I’m comfortable with these people, it doesn’t mean I don’t get the same thoughts. I’m often worrying that I’ve irritated J, or upset my best friend. This making relationships thing is really difficult, which is why I don’t do it.
I would rather sit by myself with a book, holding J’s hand than have to put myself through the ordeal of meeting new people and trying to make friends.
I guess that’s why I find online so easy. There’s no pressure to reply. No pressure to interact. I can just post and leave. Not quite so simple in real life.