Mind over matter.

Mind over matter. That’s what I tell myself when I feel physically weak at the end of a 5k in 20 degree heat. It’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling to walk in my heels after a fun night out. It’s what I tellmyself when I’m too tired to wake up and get out of bed for work on a Monday morning. But what do I say it’s my mind that’s the problem. What happens when I can’t get over the matter because my mind is blocking me. That’s how I feel at the moment. Blocked.

I was doing so well. I’d been discharged from my CBT for my minor OCD traits and my anxiety around the house and things was actually reducing. Then BAM out of nowhere, social anxiety decides to come straight back to me. Making me doubt myself, the relationships I have and the way in which I get on with my life.

It’s very difficult for people without these kinds of feelings to understand those of us with them. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about forming relationships with people, and about how if you reallywant to get to know someone you’ll make a real effort to find some common ground with them. While I totally agree, the thought of starting up a conversation with someone and asking them a lot of questions about their lives terrifies me. I can’t get past the thoughts of “I’m bugging them”, “they’re bored of talking to me now”, “oh no have I gotten the conversation onto me again”, “they’re going to think I’m so boring”, “they’re going to go and talk about what an idiot I am”. So, to stop myself feeling like that, I just don’t do it.

J is the one that helps me though. He can talk to anyone about anything. As a result, he usually helps me find a way to make some kind of friendship with someone. Yet, the only person outside of my marriage and family that I can say I’m 100% comfortable with is my best friend. However, just because I’m comfortable with these people, it doesn’t mean I don’t get the same thoughts. I’m often worrying that I’ve irritated J, or upset my best friend. This making relationships thing is really difficult, which is why I don’t do it.

I would rather sit by myself with a book, holding J’s hand than have to put myself through the ordeal of meeting new people and trying to make friends.

I guess that’s why I find online so easy. There’s no pressure to reply. No pressure to interact. I can just post and leave. Not quite so simple in real life.

C.x

Wedding Planning

Wedding planning is genuinely the most stressful thing I’ve ever embarked upon in my life. Amidst this uni course, house hunting for our move to somewhere completely new, and trying to work out how much money we need, the wedding is driving me absolutely mad!

It’s not just the big bits that are driving me mad, finding a venue, dress, photographer, etc., it’s the supposedly smaller things. – the guest list. It’s driving me absolutely bonkers. We’re trying to work out who we really want there, while also trying to make sure the important people are invited and trying not to upset anyone.

It’s genuinely the hardest thing I have to do, and to be honest, I just want the wedding here so that I can be married to the love of my life. Why does it have to be so frustrating!

C.x

A lot happened last year

I know I’m really late to the game with the whole “this happened last year” post, but actually, I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t had the time to really sit and process the amount that happened!

I graduated! I managed to get through three of the hardest years of my entire life and graduated with a 2:1 honours degree. It was AMAZING!

I got my first job. The experience was amazing and I can’t thank the people I worked with enough. They made the transition so smooth and they were all so supportive. I don’t think I could have done it without them.

Joe and I moved into our own little home. This, in all honesty, is the absolute highlight of my year. It was the time when we both came together and made a home, started our lives and realised just how much we are a team. It’s the best decision we ever made!

I got back into uni! Ha, within 7 months of leaving I was back! But I’m doing something I love with all my heart so I don’t regret it in the slightest!

I became an Auntie! EEEK my sister had a little, beautiful baby girl! It was the most amazing experience meeting my little sisters beautiful little baby. It’s the best feeling in the world.

Finally, I lost two of the most important men in my life. My Granddad and my Uncle Bob. My Granddad passed away in September and it killed me. The only solace I can find from this though, is that he’s back with Nanny. The absolute love of his life. My Uncle Bob was an amazing man who did so much for me and my family, it’s heartbreaking that he’s gone, but he’s in a better place and no longer in pain.

It’s fair to say 2015 was a year of ups and downs. A year full of challenges that we’ve managed to overcome. But now it’s 2016 and it’s time to look forward.

Happy belated new year everyone!

C.x

Exploding.

Exploding or collapsing? I’m not sure which word correctly indicates how I’m feeling right now.

Now, there is a lot going on right now. My Granddads funeral is on Friday, Joe has started his new course, I’m overwhelmed with work from this new course, my sister is heavily pregnant, my sister in law is also pregnant and Joe and I have set a date for a wedding.

While most of this is really good stuff, it’s still really stressful and comes with a whole lot of pressure. Throw into the mix that my family is miles away and that’s where I am right now. 100 miles away from the family I know and love. I’ve got Joe here, and his family. I love them all, but sometimes I just need a mummy hug.

I’m trying to stay strong for everyone and everything going on but sometimes it’s tough.

Maybe I need to blog more often.

Love.

C.x

Drifting.

Drifting away may be natural, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

I’ve been thinking about this post all day. We all know what it’s like to drift away from someone you used to be close to, but recently, it’s been playing on my mind a lot more than usual.

I’m due to go back to uni in a couple of days, and after only six months after finishing my previous course and I’ve already lost touch with a few of the girls I studied with.

I guess it’s just been making me think about the people I went to school with. A lot of them I was pretty close to, and some of the friends I made outside of school I was even closer to. I’m lucky if I speak to maybe 3 of them nowadays. Some of the people I’m just as guilty for losing contact with, but some I tried and tried but got nothing back. Eventually, I just gave up.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found that one of my “friends” who moved abroad a few years ago was back in the country for a bit. He didn’t even tell me and didn’t respond to the message I sent him either. It really, really upset me. And today, I found some old photos from when I was at school. It was both amazing and not all at the same time. It’s made me miss the friends I had before.

Joe’s the same. This morning he got a message from a girl he went to school with asking if she was really that easy to forget. The message came after Joe had run into her parents and just mentioned that he hasn’t really stayed in touch with anyone from school. It’s upset and annoyed him really, she never made any effort either and has only ever mentioned anything when she wanted something or when she heard something. Never to just check in.

We’re both in the same boat, and I know that a lot of other people, if not everyone who’s been out of school for a few years, are in the same boat as us.

We all make promises when we leave school to keep in touch and meet up whenever we can. It’s not that we don’t mean the promises when we make them, we do. It’s just that as we grow up and move away, we grow in different ways, move on with our lives and just naturally drift apart.

It’s not that I don’t love the life I have now, especially with Joe, but I miss the amazing people that got me through so many hard and tough times throughout school. It’s just times like now that I really miss the old times.

Growing up sucks, sometimes.

C.x

How I Found Him.

Meeting someone online and getting to know them first doesn’t mean it’s not exciting.

This post is inspired by a post I read about online dating and whether or not it lacks that spontaneous thrill you get when you date in “real life”. The title and the start of this post probably don’t go together, but the reason I was inspired by that post was because I met Joe online.

It was around 5 and a half years ago and we met on an awful site called Netlog. I’d link you to it but it’s been changed to actually show what it is. A site where a lot of people go just to find a quick fling. Me? I was on there to find some friends, and I honestly believe that’s why Joe was there too. We started talking as friends and then I found out he had a girlfriend so I didn’t push things. When they split up, I was with someone and when we split up he was back with his girlfriend. We finally got our friendship to blossom around January 2011, but I was soon to get with someone else. We lived 100 miles apart, I didn’t think it would work. I’d already had one really bad experience with a long distance relationship so I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted that again. Soon enough, the relationship I was in fizzled out and there he was. Joe. He made everything so much better. Continue reading “How I Found Him.”

Love and Marriage.

I’m just greedy. I want it all now.

In May I had been engaged to Joe for three years. Three years engaged. I know long engagements happen now, but it is a really long engagement, and I really want to get married now. A few weeks ago I was honoured to take photos at a wedding, a few weeks ago one of Joe’s friends got married and on Tuesday his brother gets married. Everyone seems to be getting married!

All I see when I log onto Facebook is someone else getting married. It’s my turn, dammit!

I’m that wedding mad that I even text Joe to tell him that I want to get married, like, now. A little ceremony with only our nearest and dearest. We could have a really big “wedding” on our first anniversary with the dress and the big party. I just want to be his wife. We talked, sort of, and we said we’ll start talking about things properly after our holiday. Progress.

I know I’m talking like some bitter old woman who has been waiting her entire life, but I’m really not. I’m just jealous, in a good way, of all the people who are lucky enough to be marrying the person they love. I want to do that.

I guess it’s a lot of things leading me to want to get married at the moment. I know it’ll happen. And I know it’ll happen when we’re in the right position for it to happen. I’m just having one of those days where I feel like everyone is moving forward and I’m stuck in the same spot – I’ll be fine in the morning.

I just want Joe to be home so we can curl up on the sofa and watch Melissa and Joey.

C.x

[[Above Image Taken by Me]]