Just because you donated DNA does not make you my Dad.

I’m not sure if I’ve shared this with you all before, but I need to get a lot off my chest and my other platforms don’t really seem appropriate. 

When I was 18, my “Dad” reached out to me via Facebook after he had not been in my life for around 17-18 years. There are a lot of reasons for this, my Mum kept him away, but for our safety. He didn’t try and get contact. He instead sent my Mum a letter saying he’d seen me walking around. Mum then got a solicitor to send him a letter asking him to stay away. This is a real simplified version of the story, just know my Mum did exactly the right thing.

Anyway, we started talking and sort of built a relationship. I told him I wanted him in my life but I didn’t need a dad anymore, I was an adult. He accepted it at the time.

Anyway, as time went on, it became me making the effort more and more, with him never making the first move. I confronted him, and he said he didn’t know how to show his emotions because he’d never been loved.. I brushed it all off and gave him another chance. After that, my Nan became ill. He offered no support, not one bit. So in the end I decided to cut contact and kick him out of my life again. He didn’t argue, he didn’t even respond. 

This was about two and a half years ago.

Since then, I’d seen him once. He took my to see my brother  (his son), and didn’t say a word to me the whole way there or back (45 minutes each way). I thought that was that.

So imagine my surprise, when I’m out with Joe’s family last night, and he turns up at the pub! He definitely saw me, 100%, but he didn’t even acknowledge me.

I was angry. Why was he there? He lived nowhere near there last I heard. 

In the end, I went to him. I said I was saying hello as he clearly wasn’t going to. Now I know I kicked him out of my life, so it’s not completely unreasonable that he wouldn’t say hello. But when I asked why, he told me he didn’t recognise me. I am meant to believe he didn’t recognise his own daughter. 

My face hasn’t changed. And I look like him so it was rubbish. He’d also walked past Joe a few times. Anyway, that made me angry. Really angry. I told him I didn’t know why I’d come over and he just said “ok”.

So I went back. I told him how amazing I was doing. That I was so close to a masters degree if I wanted it. That I was getting married next year. That I had the most wonderful family around me. His response? “Ok”. His ONLY daughter is getting married and his response was “ok”.

I was livid, shaking and I left. I couldn’t even believe what had happened.

He was so cold. So indifferent to me. I could have been anyone.

I know some of you reading this may think that I’m being a bit harsh, and when I tell the story it comes across like that. But if you’d seen the look on his face. Complete indifference. Coldness. It hurt.

It felt like I’d been stabbed 100 times. I don’t even know why. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want his approval and I certainly don’t want his praise.

I guess there was always a part of me that thought he respected my wishes to stay away but he did care. I was wrong.

It was the worst way to find out, but I now know that he doesn’t care about anyone other than himself.

I now know for a fact that I am better off without him.

They say you can’t choose your family. I disagree. I choose to not have him as part of mine.

C.x

(Please, understand that there is a lot of background to this. I might share it one day but it’s a bit difficult in one post)

Lonely in a Crowded Place.

You could be surrounded by 100 people and still feel completely alone.

Have you ever felt like you’re completely alone, even when you’re surrounded by people? Well, that’s me today.

I’m having one of those days where I feel as if I’m completely alone. Yes, I know I have Joe – right now he’s at work – but it isn’t that kind of lonely.

I’m trying to sort out some stuff in my head, and it isn’t really going to plan .

I just feel as though I’m screaming, yet nothing is coming out. I feel like I have so much to say and no way to say it. I feel like I have so many people to speak to and yet none all at the same time.

I’m surrounded by people who say I can talk to them, yet feel as though it’s nothing they want to hear.

So, for some reason, I thought I’d take to WordPress to tell you all how bad of a day I’m having today. I did want to write something a little more profound and thought provoking but unfortunately, my brain isn’t in that sort of mode at the moment.

How are you all today?

C.x