A Broken Heart.

Some of you may know that on Saturday afternoon I lost my Granddad after a short battle with bowel and liver cancer. The only upside is that he’s back with my Nanny where I knew he wanted to be from the moment she left us last year.

Everyone keeps saying that they’re sorry and asking if there’s anything they can do. But the truth is, apologies mean nothing, and realistically there isn’t anything anyone can do to make this pain go away. Nothing. Because they’re gone and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. I just need to find a way to accept it and try and move on… is that even possible?

I’m convinced the reason my Granddad got cancer was because all he wanted was to be back with my Nan. I can understand that – they were soulmates, best friends, made for each other. I just wish it didn’t have to be such a horrible thing that tore him away so quickly. I only saw him a few weeks ago and now he’s gone.

I’m in a horrible state at the moment. Going from forgetting, feeling nothing, crying, feeling nothing, feeling like a zombie to forgetting again. It’s horrible. I just want to cry and get this horrible grief out of the way. It’s too much to deal with and I have no idea what I’m doing. I wouldn’t let myself grieve for Nanny for that exact reason. I didn’t know how to!

Now I have no choice. I need to find a way to deal with this, accept it and make sure I live my life to the full.

C.x

Sleep tight.

The only consolation to losing you is that you’re back with Nanny.

Sleep tight, granddad. I love you.

C.x

Charity Work.

There is a very good reason I’m posting this at this time. Because I want people to see it. I want people to actually read a post that matters.

I lost my Nan to leukaemia last year, and I’m petrified that I’m about to lose my Granddad to bowel and liver cancer. Way too many of us lose who we love to cancer each and every day and I’m sick of it. So instead of just sitting back and moaning about it, I want to do something. I want to raise money to fund both care and research.

Last year Joe and I raised a massive £445 for MacMillan Cancer Care by running 100 miles over the course of August. Now I want to do something ongoing. Something that can be carried on day in, day out. I had an idea about selling the photos I take in return for donations to the charities, but I’m not so sure.

So I come to you, in the land of WordPress to help me come up with ideas and spread the word far and wide. I want us all to do a little something to help get rid of this nasty thing once and for all.

I can’t sit back and do nothing as more and more of our loved ones are taken away from us.

C.x

Stuck, alone and scared.

When I made the decision to move away from home to start a new life in London for university and to be closer to Joe, I never thought that one day there would be a huge part of me that questions whether I did the right thing. I don’t regret it, not one bit. Joe and I have started our lives together, we’re happy. The thing I do regret, is going back on what I told my family.

I told them I’d be home often and that they wouldn’t need to miss me too much, or I them. But the truth is, I rarely go home. I haven’t been home since May, haven’t seen my Mum since July and it kills me.

It’s especially hard at the moment with Granddad being so ill. He’s in hospital at the moment. He’s in a really bad way and Mum said he’s really not good. It breaks my heart that everyone is so far away and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can’t get anywhere. I can’t be any closer. I just don’t know what to do. The worst of it is, I don’t even have any family near me. None that you could call family anyway. I have “Dad” and “Grandparents” up the road who couldn’t care less, an Uncle who hasn’t spoken to me in over a year because he thinks the world owes him something. The only family I have nearby is Joe. Joe and his family.

All I want is to be closer to my family and to make my Granddad better. I just wish I could make it all go away. It hurts way too much to even think about.

Sorry for the emotional post on a Friday night, it’s just a horrible, stupid feeling that I hate more than anything. I need my family right now and they need me. But the only thing we can do is make sure we’re available to talk.

C.x

Home.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Home Turf.”

Five things that make my home, home.

1. The canvass we had made of our favourite photo together.
2. A cute little picture of a pinky promise. Our thing.
3. My photos.
4. My Disney DVD’s
5. My books.

I’m a simple girl at heart. As long as I’m surrounded by the people I love and some books and my disney DVD’s to keep my mind occupied I’m happy. Other than the things that stay in the house, home is always better when Joe is here.

C.x

Clearblue was quite clear…

I don’t reblog a lot, but this needs to be shared. This young lady wanted a baby so badly. She went abroad for IVF and it seems she is pregnant. Congratulations, lovely!
C.x

lesbianthoughtsonlife

Didn’t expect that on my first try! Since the fertility clinic told me I would be throwing money out the window by trying… It seems like I’m pregnant!!! 🙂

I’m in shock, even if this was planned… I just didn’t expect it. Everyone told me to look for other options.

I think my girlfriend is as shocked as I. She’s been very clear that she doesn’t want children. And the plan all along has been for her to move to go to school in about 6 months. Obviously we can’t be together if I’m expecting a baby (or babies… OMG). So this is going to be a change in so many ways. But I want this, so there’s no turning back. It’s just that we’re really good together. So while I’m really happy about the pregnancy – I’m sad that the relationship is ending. I knew this was going to…

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First day nerves.

Today is my first day back at university and, despite only leaving 7 months ago, I’m so nervous!

It’s a big commitment and step going back to uni to further your career. To go from independent to suddenly being helped and observed again, but I’m ready for it. I think I am anyway.

I’ve decided I’m just going to embrace the new beginning and make the most of every second.

Now all I need to do is remember that I still need to strike a work/life balance. How do I do that again?

C.x

Drifting.

I’ve been thinking about this post all day. We all know what it’s like to drift away from someone you used to be close to, but recently, it’s been playing on my mind a lot more than usual.

I’m due to go back to uni in a couple of days, and after only six months after finishing my previous course and I’ve already lost touch with a few of the girls I studied with.

I guess it’s just been making me think about the people I went to school with. A lot of them I was pretty close to, and some of the friends I made outside of school I was even closer to. I’m lucky if I speak to maybe 3 of them nowadays. Some of the people I’m just as guilty for losing contact with, but some I tried and tried but got nothing back. Eventually, I just gave up.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found that one of my “friends” who moved abroad a few years ago was back in the country for a bit. He didn’t even tell me and didn’t respond to the message I sent him either. It really, really upset me. And today, I found some old photos from when I was at school. It was both amazing and not all at the same time. It’s made me miss the friends I had before.

Joe’s the same. This morning he got a message from a girl he went to school with asking if she was really that easy to forget. The message came after Joe had run into her parents and just mentioned that he hasn’t really stayed in touch with anyone from school. It’s upset and annoyed him really, she never made any effort either and has only ever mentioned anything when she wanted something or when she heard something. Never to just check in.

We’re both in the same boat, and I know that a lot of other people, if not everyone who’s been out of school for a few years, are in the same boat as us.

We all make promises when we leave school to keep in touch and meet up whenever we can. It’s not that we don’t mean the promises when we make them, we do. It’s just that as we grow up and move away, we grow in different ways, move on with our lives and just naturally drift apart.

It’s not that I don’t love the life I have now, especially with Joe, but I miss the amazing people that got me through so many hard and tough times throughout school. It’s just times like now that I really miss the old times.

Growing up sucks, sometimes.

C.x

I’m not ready.

Do you ever wish life was a little more simple? Wish that for once you could be happy without someone dark ready to jump out from around the corner to really hit you where it hurts? I wish life was like that right now.

My Granddad came to see me a couple of weeks ago after he decided against having any treatment. He wanted to see everyone before the end. The doctors gave him 6-10 months after he declined treatment and that time is slowly ticking by. The worst of it is, each day he seems to be getting worse.

The Granddad I know and love is funny, independent and likes a drink. Now, he needs to depend on people, can’t walk up stairs by himself and isn’t even drinking. It’s heartbreaking.

The other night, I just broke down in tears to Joe and I was in so much pain. It hurt so much knowing that I’m going to lose him soon, especially so soon after losing Nanny. I wish I could just be there and help him. But I’m not and I can’t. I can’t even go and see him again. It’s not that I don’t have the time or money – which I don’t if I’m completely honest- but I can’t see my Granddad like that. When the time comes, I want to remember my Granddad the way he was before. I can’t see him ill and not himself, it’ll kill me.

It’s such a horrible thing for us all to have to go through again, it’s not fair. It’s not fair that everything can be fine one minute and then falling apart the next. I miss my Nanny more than anything. I’m not sure I’m ready to miss my Granddad too.

C.x

Have you missed me?

As some of you may, or may not, have noticed that I’ve been absent for the past week. I’m not sorry I haven’t blogged, although I have missed it, because I’ve been enjoying a nice relaxing – well, sort of – break with Joe in the Lake District. It was a much needed break for us and we’ve enjoyed every second.

We’ve ventured through mud, forests, pathways and mountain ridges and even found a cave! It’s been absolutely perfect. I have a lot of photos to show you all, but most of them will go up on my photography blog or onto my brand new Flickr page (it’s currently empty, give it time).

Anyway, i just wanted you all to know that I’ll be back to blogging properly again this weekend. There will be lots of stories and photos to share with you all. Until then, I’ll leave you with this gorgeous photo of a rainbow that I took (properly edited/watermarked version to be up in the next few days over on the photography blog).

Copyright: Christina Bacon. The Fairfield Horseshoe, The Lake District.

C.x