I chose this adventure.

At 18, I kept being told that I should be going out clubbing, drinking and making memories. I should have been “making the most of it while I’m young”. For some reason, this didn’t click with me. I wasn’t excited by the prospect of going somewhere I couldn’t talk to my friends.

What did excite me? Planning BBQ’s at the beach, going to the pub every now and again and going for dinner. I liked doing things where I could really spend time with my friends. When I then went to uni, the focus went from clubbing to travelling. I had to go travelling before I settled down. So when I turned up engaged at 19, I was effectively told that was it.

 

Yes, I got engaged and then married young. Does that mean I can’t experience what other people do? Does it really mean I can’t see the world? No. No it doesn’t.

 

What it does mean, is that I get to have adventures with my best friend. We get to experience everything together. Why is that a bad thing? I can’t wait for us to have adventures for us to be able to share with our friends, our families and our children.

 

Just because I have chosen to get married at 24, and chosen to settle down with a career, does not mean I’m limited. It means that I have chosen a different adventure. I have friends who have travelled the world, friends who already have children, friends who are stuck in the middle and some friends who are in the same place I’m in.

 

We all have different priorities, goals and adventures. The way we want to do these things are different and that’s okay. I didn’t choose an adventure that would take me around the world. I chose the adventure where I get to spend my life with my best friend, exploring different life paths and places together. I chose the married adventure. That doesn’t mean I’m missing out on something else.

 

Don’t let someone else dictate to you what your adventure should be. Choose your own.

 

C.x

 

Because sometimes life happens.

So, I’ve just started the 30 days to self improvement challenge. Day one was going over something that I was proud of, so I showed my graduation. Today is the day where I am meant to start a journal. HOWEVER, I already have this blog, so I figure that instead of starting a journal, I’m just going to commit to writing here a little more often.

Sometimes, it’s good to put pen to paper (or just type on the laptop) to get out of my own head. It’s amazing how therapeutic it is really. I know my writing style isn’t perfect or polished, but I do actually really enjoy spending a little bit of time on the blog. The thing is though, I don’t actually know what you all want to know!

I know the last few posts have been quite down, as I’ve tried to work through areas of my anxiety, but actually I do lead a really happy life. I have the most wonderful HUSBAND, a wonderful group of friends, a job I love and a future I can’t wait to start planning properly. So, let me tell you about something wonderful in my life.

Today, I found out that I’m potentially being put on a course that will help further my career a tiny bit! It’s something I’ve wanted to do since I first qualified and it’s a step in the right direction. I’m also hopefully going to be working on a new working group soon that will really help the people I  work with. I know it’s not a lot, but it’s something to focus on. I love studying further and getting a little ahead. I think I might actually be addicted to University.

No, I don’t think. I KNOW. I spent 3 years at uni, took a 6 month break and went back. I’ve been out of uni for 9 months and I’m already looking at going back! Maybe I just don’t want to grow up.

So there you go, something a little less dreary, and a little (vague) insight into my life!

I’m going to try and start blogging here around 3 times per week.

Speak to you soon, lovelies.

C.x

I am 100% sure.

I am 100% sure that the second I find peace within myself I’ll stop comparing every aspect of my life to those around me. 

When your self esteem isn’t very high, but anxiety is right up there, it can be difficult to realise that things aren’t as bad as they could be.

I’m working hard on a daily basis to be the best and strongest version of myself, both in body and mind. However, I’d quite like it all to hurry up! There is always going to be someone with a better body, a healthier mind, a healthier life than me. The truth is, there’s nothing I can do about that. What I can do though, is try to make sure that I focus on me. I focus on making myself the best possible version of myself. 

No matter how hard I try, I’ll only ever be me.

Just something else to work on!

C.x

Failure is giving up

Sometimes, when you’re having a bad day, week or month, everything can seem bleak. It can feel as though nothing is going well and that you can’t really get to where you need to be. Sometimes, it’s difficult to just get on.

We all have them. Some of us more than others. The important thing to do though, is find something that keeps you going. I can guarantee we all have something.

How do I know? How do I know that you have something to hold on to? I don’t know you’re story, nor do I pretend to. But what I do know, if you’re reading this, is that you’re still here.

You’re still here, and you’ve managed to do as much as either looking through blogs. Seen that I’ve posted a new one. Or just generally browsing the internet. Whatever you were doing when you came across my blog, you were doing something.

For me, I have a few things. I have a job that I love. I have a husband (still can’t get used to this) that I adore. I have the gym, where I can focus on me and forget about the outside world. I also have my books – when I get time. We all have places and things to do that can let us escape from reality for a little while. They are our “happy places”.

I’m not 100% sure of what the point of the blog was. It was about failure to begin with, and how you haven’t failed until you’ve stopped trying. Doing something everyday, no matter how big or small will stop you from failing.

Here’s a little tip for when you’re feeling rubbish. Someone once told me that if you smile when you don’t feel like it, it tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy. I have no idea if it’s true, but it does make me laugh. And when I laugh it puts me in a better mood and a better mind space.

Anyway, if I type anymore, I’ll be rambling. So off I go to bed.

Speak to you all soon.

C.x

 

An update.

So, by now you’ve probably seen that I’m back in the blogging world and trying my hardest to really get back into my reality. I’m trying to share the things I would usually be scared to share in an attempt to really show how things can progress and move forward. I’m also going to try and share a weekly blog post about my general life – if anything interesting ever happens!

So, here’s my little update from the past few months, just in case any of you were wondering what I’ve been up to!

Well, the most exciting thing to happen is that I got married! We got married on the 13^th May and it was genuinely the best day of my life. I didn’t stop smiling, I laughed all day and I had all my friends and family – well, almost – around me. It was heavenly. However, post wedding anxiety did kick in, but we can talk about that in another post another time.

We then went on our first holiday abroad, Cape Verde, for our honeymoon. It was perfect. We laid by the pool, drank cocktails from 10am with no guilt, ate our weight in food and had the best time being the two of us. Then we came home with a bit of a bump.

Our flight from Cape Verde was delayed by 6 hours, resulting in us getting home 5 hours later – somehow the plane flies faster if it really needs to. We were not impressed. Add in the fact that we both had to go back to work and see reality again was a MASSIVE bump.

Once we were home, we moved back in with my in-laws. We couldn’t afford to save for things like a bigger home and a baby whilst paying the rent that we were paying, so it seemed like the ideal solution. Paying little housekeeping to the parents and then we can have a little savings pot for when we decided to be grow ups again. So far so good, but we’ve only been there a few weeks so I’ll let you know how it goes.

Since then, it’s been pretty constant. Having to tell everyone my name and address has changed is honestly so stressful it’s ridiculous! I’m not quite sure where I even am at the moment.

Aside from the usual bits and pieces of life as a married woman, I’m also back in the gym. You can follow my progress over at @lowfatcrispybacon. It’s actually really hard to get back into the healthy eating. Particularly when all you want is ice cream to cool you down! But I’m getting there. I’m also slowly learning that no 2 people are the same when it comes to training. I could train every day and not look as good as someone who trains 3 times per week. It’s all about finding what works for you. I’ll do some more bits and pieces on my fitness and health and things another time.

Apologies for the long and rambling post. If you have any questions just let me know!

C.x

Relief

Relieved

I’d written half a post about how I hadn’t felt a sense of relief in a while due to my high anxiety levels. But, I’ve already written a post today about my anxiety so I feel as though you probably want to read something a little more upbeat.

So, I’ll tell you about the relief I felt when I saw my now husband at the end of the aisle just over 5 weeks ago.

I’d been told he was ready, he was on his way and he was fine. I’d been told this 100 times.

I’d had friends telling me we were perfect for each other and the wedding would be beautiful.

I’d had him tell me himself that he would be there.

I even saw him when I was driving into the register office!

But, there was still a small part of me that thought he wouldn’t be there. That he’d changed his mind at the last minute and ran. That he didn’t want to be my husband after all.

Then I saw him. I saw my best friend standing at the other end of the aisle waiting for me to walk down and take his hand and become his wife.

5 weeks later, I’m happier than every – obviously still in the happiness of newlywed bliss – and looking forward to feeling the relief I do every time I see him. He fixes the hard days, and tries his best to get rid of my anxieties.

To my best friend, and my best source of relief. I thank you.

C.x

Mind over matter.

Mind over matter. That’s what I tell myself when I feel physically weak at the end of a 5k in 20 degree heat. It’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling to walk in my heels after a fun night out. It’s what I tellmyself when I’m too tired to wake up and get out of bed for work on a Monday morning. But what do I say it’s my mind that’s the problem. What happens when I can’t get over the matter because my mind is blocking me. That’s how I feel at the moment. Blocked.

I was doing so well. I’d been discharged from my CBT for my minor OCD traits and my anxiety around the house and things was actually reducing. Then BAM out of nowhere, social anxiety decides to come straight back to me. Making me doubt myself, the relationships I have and the way in which I get on with my life.

It’s very difficult for people without these kinds of feelings to understand those of us with them. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about forming relationships with people, and about how if you reallywant to get to know someone you’ll make a real effort to find some common ground with them. While I totally agree, the thought of starting up a conversation with someone and asking them a lot of questions about their lives terrifies me. I can’t get past the thoughts of “I’m bugging them”, “they’re bored of talking to me now”, “oh no have I gotten the conversation onto me again”, “they’re going to think I’m so boring”, “they’re going to go and talk about what an idiot I am”. So, to stop myself feeling like that, I just don’t do it.

J is the one that helps me though. He can talk to anyone about anything. As a result, he usually helps me find a way to make some kind of friendship with someone. Yet, the only person outside of my marriage and family that I can say I’m 100% comfortable with is my best friend. However, just because I’m comfortable with these people, it doesn’t mean I don’t get the same thoughts. I’m often worrying that I’ve irritated J, or upset my best friend. This making relationships thing is really difficult, which is why I don’t do it.

I would rather sit by myself with a book, holding J’s hand than have to put myself through the ordeal of meeting new people and trying to make friends.

I guess that’s why I find online so easy. There’s no pressure to reply. No pressure to interact. I can just post and leave. Not quite so simple in real life.

C.x

Look hard enough.

There’s something beautiful everywhere.

I live in London, a concrete jungle. I’m not from London though, I’m from the countryside. I’m used to seeing greenery and animals all over the place, so London is a complete contract to that.

But today, we ventured out and stumbled across a beautiful place that’s just across the road! 

It made me think. We’re very easy to recognise the obvious beauty day to day, but what ancirsscrosscross But what about the beauty that takes a little longer to see? 

By looking past the concrete, I saw this today.

(Photo on my instagram; @imcrispybacon)

It made me take a step back and breathe. Something I’m not too good at at the moment.

I hope you find beauty daily. 

C.x

Welcome back.

The title may be a little misleading. I often say I’m coming back to blogging, and then I disappear again. this time, I’m making a solid effort to blog daily. In fact, I think it may be the most helpful thing I can do for myself. 

The last few months have been difficult. Wedding planning, family drama, qualifying and starting a new job and passing my driving test have resulted in an increased amount of anxiety that’s been looming. 

I’ve always been more on the anxious side than my wonderful relaxed husband to be, but recently it’s been getting the better of me. Thankfully, his calmness is really helpful at times, he knows exactly how to make things better. 

What I have realised though, is that I need a network. Living in London means that I’m away from my family and most of my friends, and I’m really quite lonely. I had started to try and build friendships here but then I disappeared. So I’m setting myself a challenge. I’m going to blog everyday for the rest of the month and see if it helps me get back into it. 

To remind me, I’m setting an alarm on my phone for a time I know I shouldn’t be busy. 

Hope to reconnect with you all soon.

C.x

Blogging is a little like therapy.

Being able to share my story yesterday has really helped me. Instead of keeping everything cooped up, I was able to get it off my chest, even talk to someone going through a similar thing.

I’ll be trying to blog more often now, I really will. 

I have the time, I have the need. I’ll be back. Who knows, I might even tell you about my wedding!

C.x