Relief

Relieved

I’d written half a post about how I hadn’t felt a sense of relief in a while due to my high anxiety levels. But, I’ve already written a post today about my anxiety so I feel as though you probably want to read something a little more upbeat.

So, I’ll tell you about the relief I felt when I saw my now husband at the end of the aisle just over 5 weeks ago.

I’d been told he was ready, he was on his way and he was fine. I’d been told this 100 times.

I’d had friends telling me we were perfect for each other and the wedding would be beautiful.

I’d had him tell me himself that he would be there.

I even saw him when I was driving into the register office!

But, there was still a small part of me that thought he wouldn’t be there. That he’d changed his mind at the last minute and ran. That he didn’t want to be my husband after all.

Then I saw him. I saw my best friend standing at the other end of the aisle waiting for me to walk down and take his hand and become his wife.

5 weeks later, I’m happier than every – obviously still in the happiness of newlywed bliss – and looking forward to feeling the relief I do every time I see him. He fixes the hard days, and tries his best to get rid of my anxieties.

To my best friend, and my best source of relief. I thank you.

C.x

Mind over matter.

Mind over matter. That’s what I tell myself when I feel physically weak at the end of a 5k in 20 degree heat. It’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling to walk in my heels after a fun night out. It’s what I tellmyself when I’m too tired to wake up and get out of bed for work on a Monday morning. But what do I say it’s my mind that’s the problem. What happens when I can’t get over the matter because my mind is blocking me. That’s how I feel at the moment. Blocked.

I was doing so well. I’d been discharged from my CBT for my minor OCD traits and my anxiety around the house and things was actually reducing. Then BAM out of nowhere, social anxiety decides to come straight back to me. Making me doubt myself, the relationships I have and the way in which I get on with my life.

It’s very difficult for people without these kinds of feelings to understand those of us with them. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about forming relationships with people, and about how if you reallywant to get to know someone you’ll make a real effort to find some common ground with them. While I totally agree, the thought of starting up a conversation with someone and asking them a lot of questions about their lives terrifies me. I can’t get past the thoughts of “I’m bugging them”, “they’re bored of talking to me now”, “oh no have I gotten the conversation onto me again”, “they’re going to think I’m so boring”, “they’re going to go and talk about what an idiot I am”. So, to stop myself feeling like that, I just don’t do it.

J is the one that helps me though. He can talk to anyone about anything. As a result, he usually helps me find a way to make some kind of friendship with someone. Yet, the only person outside of my marriage and family that I can say I’m 100% comfortable with is my best friend. However, just because I’m comfortable with these people, it doesn’t mean I don’t get the same thoughts. I’m often worrying that I’ve irritated J, or upset my best friend. This making relationships thing is really difficult, which is why I don’t do it.

I would rather sit by myself with a book, holding J’s hand than have to put myself through the ordeal of meeting new people and trying to make friends.

I guess that’s why I find online so easy. There’s no pressure to reply. No pressure to interact. I can just post and leave. Not quite so simple in real life.

C.x

Blogging is a little like therapy.

Being able to share my story yesterday has really helped me. Instead of keeping everything cooped up, I was able to get it off my chest, even talk to someone going through a similar thing.

I’ll be trying to blog more often now, I really will. 

I have the time, I have the need. I’ll be back. Who knows, I might even tell you about my wedding!

C.x

Hello!

I’m back. Well, I’m trying to be back.

When I first started this blog, I was really good at updating you all with my life on a day to day basis, but now? Yeah I went off a little bit. But here I am, trying again!

Since we last spoke properly, a lot has happened.

I know you all know I lost my Granddad in September, that was a pretty hard hit, especially when it was only around 15 months since we lost Nanny. It sucked, but with the help of Joe and my family and friends, I’m managing to get through it. I started Uni again, which again I’m pretty sure you all know, but hey! My blog, I can repeat myself if I want to. My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and my brother and his girlfriend had a beautiful baby boy – proud auntie right here! Oh, and we booked our wedding!

Yes, we booked our wedding! On the 13th May 2017 I finally get to marry my best friend. The one I laugh and cry with. The one I’m grumpy with half the time. The one who just makes everything better. I cannot wait! The only hard thing is, the wedding isn’t where we live, it’s actually a couple of hours away! Not that I care, it’s beautiful, half way between the two families and I, no we, love it.

So now, I’m in the process of trying to finish a postgraduate diploma, plan a wedding, make sure we don’t lose our flat (tenancy coming to an end), be an awesome auntie and be a person all at the same time!

I’ve joined a couple of wedding planning groups on facebook, and I’m in touch with the lady who helps us plan things at the reception so it’s not all bad, I have a lot of help! It’s just nervewracking! Next on our list is sorting a photographer and giving notice to become man and wife.

Now for the big decision – do I keep my name, or change it?

C.x

A Letter.

Dear Nanny and Granddad,

I’m having a reallly hard time without you at the moment, everything is going so well and I wish with everything I have that you were here to witness it.

I passed my first exam the other day – I did really well and all I wanted to do as tell you about it all. I want to tell you about how I’m getting married next year and I can’t wait for you to see me walking down the aisle. To see me finally marry the love of my life. Continue reading “A Letter.”

Wedding Planning

Wedding planning is genuinely the most stressful thing I’ve ever embarked upon in my life. Amidst this uni course, house hunting for our move to somewhere completely new, and trying to work out how much money we need, the wedding is driving me absolutely mad!

It’s not just the big bits that are driving me mad, finding a venue, dress, photographer, etc., it’s the supposedly smaller things. – the guest list. It’s driving me absolutely bonkers. We’re trying to work out who we really want there, while also trying to make sure the important people are invited and trying not to upset anyone.

It’s genuinely the hardest thing I have to do, and to be honest, I just want the wedding here so that I can be married to the love of my life. Why does it have to be so frustrating!

C.x

Am I forgetting you?

Am I forgetting you? I must be. I don’t think of you every day. It doesn’t hurt every day. I don’t look to the sky every night like I used to and I don’t look at my tattoo and cry.

I forgot your birthday on Tuesday. It’s only your second birthday without you here and I forgot. Yes, everyone says it’s fine because of everything else going on, but how can it be fine to forget your birthday. How can it be fine to forget you.

It’s not just you, Nanny. It’s Granddad too. We only lost him a few months ago and I don’t think of him every day. The only time I get upset is when I see other people upset. When I see my Mum upset.

I don’t want to forget you. I don’t even want to miss you, but missing you it better than forgetting you.

I love you both, with all my heart.

C.x